It felt like the end of the world…

10th October is World Mental Health Day so today I thought I’d share with you my journey with mental health and how during difficult days Reiki has been my guiding light during some of my darkest hours. I may need some tissues to get through this as I’m about to dive deep!

From school age I was bullied but before I went to school, I was the boss, I was a Diva – the youngest child and the only girl to boot, so it meant I had to be a little bit bossy to survive. And well, I was extra – let’s just put it that way. I was confident, bright, and bubbly, but life’s journey has knocked some of that out of me, sometimes I think it was for the best, and other times I think oh I’d love some of it back.

But anyway, as well as not fitting in with some of my peers, there were challenges at home too, one of my brothers would regularly get in trouble with the police, until one day my mum who had another visit and she had tried everything with him, and she no longer knew what to do. So, she just said I can’t anymore, a month later he did come back home as where he would have ended up going was a lot worse! That as a young girl was difficult to understand. Then we had a few deaths in the family – not something I was really able to process just that there were a lot of funerals, a lot of sadness.

Then one of my brothers came back from the Army, he’d served in a few places but the last place he served was the war in Bosnia. And it was traumatic to say the least, so he left the army with PTSD. He was home just in time for Christmas, and I remember being so excited that he was coming home in time for Santa. Little did I know of the trauma he had as a result of what he had seen while serving with the military. Something I didn’t actually fully grasp until I was an adult. Now obviously here I need to be sensitive to my family, so I will be omitting a lot from this because it's not fair on him or my family, but it is still my truth and I feel I need to speak it. As a result of my three brothers’ childhood (I have a different dad from my brothers, they came from a previous abusive marriage), they faced adversity and saw and heard things that no child should have too. Couple that with the horror of war, it made for a lot of anger, pain and hurt that he couldn’t wrap his around, and it had to have an outlet. I was one of a few punching bags. Not easy, but now as an adult I see it with a more compassionate perspective, he didn’t have the help available, and I’m not fully convinced he could talk about it. So, I felt attacked and bullied at home and school – it felt like there was little escape. My only escape was singing I could go and join in the two choirs I was in or do my solo performances and that was where I found my freedom, my place of peace, that space where I could let it all go. Oh, and off I go, the first cry as I write this. These events made me one of a few things, I became fixated on my weight, I had little control over the things I was experiencing but my weight was one of them. I could control what I ate (and given I was a very fussy eater as a child the answer was not a lot, well not a lot of variety). Another area it manifested was I was deeply unhappy because I couldn’t process what was happening, why it was happening, and I blamed myself for being too much, too bossy, too demanding, a brat – you name it I thought it. And before you jump to conclusions, my family knew nothing about these experiences I had as the punching bag with him – my mum only found out a few months after my dad has passed away, I assumed she always knew. My mum was devastated. And then it made me a very angry teenager particularly where boys were concerned, because from my perspective boys hurt me. And if they didn’t want to hurt me, they wanted a quick and easy access to what was underneath my clothes. And I was becoming what I resented and hated. The final straw was he was arrested by the police at home as I was getting ready to go to a valentine’s day disco with friends, and I was very upset going to it as I could remember his face as the police car pulled away. I associated my brother, the one who I was so excited to see come home in time for Christmas with anger and fear – and there I go again. Good job I’ve got plenty of tissues! But he moved out after this after my mum had finally had enough, over the years he still got into trouble but then he met his wife, they got married and now they live in Australia, the sad fact was home held nothing for him anymore, he needed a fresh start, and he’s been able to get that. It’s meant he’s missed some family events, matches, batches and dispatches and all that jazz. But he’s happy. And after years of working through this myself and with many counsellors, and I had worked on giving myself the closure I needed. We don’t always get closure from other people; we sometimes have to give it to ourselves. Then a few years ago, I was messaging him as our mum was in hospital, and even though he’s on the other side of the world and he has no intentions of ever coming back, we still keep informed of what’s going on family wise, particularly as mum doesn’t do Facebook. As we were exchanging messages, he sent me a message while I was sat at my desk when I was still in the corporate working world, and it took me breathe away, he said “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I love you kid”, and that one message helped me let go of so much pain and discomfort. Oh… weep number three.

Before I was 16, I was placed on anti-depressants and I finished school slightly earlier than my peers as my depression had gotten very bad, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I was down to a 27 inch waist, ribs were visible, and I was deeply unhealthy, and my immune system was shot at! I wish then I knew about reiki, and I was able to have accessed the services of reiki practitioner. And then I started self-harming. My mental health had reached a fever pitch. And then I got into a relationship with someone who would become the father of my children and my husband. The relationship was not healthy, it was toxic. Due to the fact though that he is the father of my children, I won’t be delving into this. What I will say is I remarried and I’m happy, and he’s engaged and he’s happy and most importantly our children are happy and healthy.

But from the age of 15 to 24 I was on anti-depressants on and off, after the birth of our eldest daughter I was placed on them, I had a rough pregnancy, in and out of hospital and seizures, always issues with my samples and waters, high blood pressure, and the pressure of becoming a mum at 17. So, this was no surprise that I needed anti-depressants. Then in the middle of this I was on a staff event for an organisation I was training with you could go and get a treatment or a service and I opted for reiki. This was the first time I ever had a treatment I had heard of it only the year before as my mum was doing her nursing qualification one of her fellow students would get regular reiki and would have reiki sent to her. So here I was 19 years old, and I went for my first reiki treatment, and I floated out of that treatment room in Cockermouth. I was so chilled and relaxed, so much so my husband said he would pay for me to have it done weekly if he thought I would be like that. This was in fact a lie as he does not particularly believe in complementary therapies. Later in the year I got pregnant again had another baby, this pregnancy was a little smoother, not much smoother but it was. So, I was shocked when I had post-partum depression again, for about 12 months I was on them, and then I decided I was ready to come off them.

After the age of 21 I didn’t need antidepressants again til my dad passed away, and it was predominantly to fix the fact that I was getting maybe a couple of hours of sleep a night. But they had a horrible side effect – constant hunger, nothing I did fixed it. But I believe I was trying to fill something that couldn’t be filed. My dad had died, and it left an indelible hole in my life, one that I’m not sure will ever be recovered. As he was one of the few men in my life that I could trust not to hurt me, to love me, to respect me. And of course, he was the first man to love me. This was the last time to date I have ever needed anti-depressants. Yet I feel no shame in the fact that I needed them. It was part of my toolkit.

Following my second M.E. relapse in 2017, my mental health started to decline, I was struggling to reconcile the fact that I could climb mountains and run half marathons previously yet walking down the street was a problem now. I was also trying to reconcile the fact that I’d been bullied in the workplace, I was trying to reconcile the fact when I managed to go in and dop off my sicknotes the only people who spoke to me we’re my managers or staff from other departments. What I didn’t know at the time was this person had caused a lot of problems for the team as a whole and caused a lot of division, I now see this as her pain causing this. But during this time off work I was in pain, I felt isolated and alone, and well useless. I was already on medication for pain, medication for mood I didn’t feel more medication was the answer. Then one day a work colleague was running a mind body and spirit event at Kirklinton Hall, Dave took me, and we knew healing would be something that would be beneficial. I spent 20 minutes on a therapy bed, with my now reiki teacher, giving me reiki healing. A bit later, I cried, and I cried, and I cried. If you’re familiar with the scene in Disney’s animated version of Alice in Wonderland, where she is in a jar and carried off by her own tears, this is how I felt, I was being carried away by my tears. But it was what I needed. For as much anti-depressants and counselling I’d received it wasn’t enough, because all I was doing was re-living it all in my mind and then I was pushing it down, because I didn’t know how to let go. I could try and forgive but I couldn’t forget. And in some ways, I shouldn’t either, I learned lessons from these things. But as time went on and I continued to keep going for reiki treatments, my pain both physical and mental subsided, I was becoming stronger, mentally, and physically, and I was able to start becoming more present. And I decided that I would go and learn how to practice reiki, Dave wanted to go, and I said I would go with him. And this became a catalyst for something so much greater. It enabled me to be able to start on a new path, to leave my old career behind when faced with redundancy. After leaving my job, it was a big adjustment, one I was quite prepared for. It was like I needed to grieve for my old life, my old career, I gave up where I was living, I moved back in with my mum temporarily while I tried to get a hold of my new life and career. And it was painful, I didn’t want to live this new uncertain life. I just wanted everything to be simple and straightforward and predictable. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning. And the answer was I reiki, I would do my own healing with reiki, I would use crystals, I would meditate, I used vision boards, and eventually things changed. I rose again, I became strong, every day I placed those symbols into cleanse, clear and protect my energy, day by day I let go, and when I decided enough was enough, I broke the spell of the blanket of discomfort and unhappiness.

Whenever I am faced with difficult situations, unhappiness, challenges, and obstacles I call in my guides, set my intentions and draw my symbols to activate healing. And when I sit in this energy, I feel this shroud of darkness fall away, the shroud that prevents my wings from unfurling to spread out, and I feel white light blasting out all the cobwebs of sticky energy and difficult times. Reiki is the biggest weapon I have in my toolbox, and it helps me feel more resilient, more present, and have a much clearer sense of how I can tackle my problems, my health, my challenges and obstacles, and my day. And the amazing thing is I know it’ll keep doing its thing long after I’ve finished sitting with my guides directing the healing energy.

And this is just one of the many reasons I recommend reiki, it’s help me overcome my past, it’s helped me heal, it’s helped me forgive myself, because like most victims I blamed myself. It helped me make the life changes that were so desperately needed. It helped me release what wasn’t serving me, it helped me rise. And it helped me see the interconnectedness of everything. It helped me live life with a full, grateful, and loving heart.

If you’re interested in experiencing reiki and all of its benefits either face to face or in person then please feel free to book a session, you can do so by clicking here

Well, that’s been a long and cathartic writing session.

Thank you for reading along.

Love, Light and Healing

Marie